The Sakuranikomori
by Evil Asian Genius
Summary: A taste of sakura-flavored wrong. What happens when Hokuto's plans to save Subaru by killing Seishirou suceeds? An X1999 - Tokyo Babylon AU.


Title: The Sakuranikomori

Summary:  X/Tokyo Babylon. AU.  Selected scenes from the life of the Sakuranikomori.  Warnings for humor, OOC (Out of Canon).  Spoilers for Tokyo Babylon and X/1999 through volume 16.

Origins

            A voice.  It was saying something…something that Subaru didn't seem to be able to make sense of.

            But that feeling, that binding – it was gone.  His hands felt lighter, cleaner, a feeling that he hadn't known in years.

            "Subaru.  Su.  Ba.  Ru."  An impatient and insistent sound dragged him from the depths of himself and he crawled blindly toward it in his mind.

            Light.  Subaru blinked.

            "Su~ba~ru~!"  Hokuto threw her arms around him, jostling the bed sheets and surprising him.  He felt weak and dizzy, as if he had just woken up from a bad dream.

            "Hokuto.  What's going on?"  Everything seemed to be a faint memory, something that happened to someone else.  Subaru stared at his ungloved hands, and thought that there should be something different to them.  But the smooth skin said otherwise, physically and spiritually.  

            "Nee-chan took care of the evil bad man!"  Hokuto giggled, still shaking from the adrenaline rush.  Her hands were still dabbed with blood from where she knifed Seishirou through his remaining good eye.  A couple bullets through the head later and he was good and dead.

            "Oh?"  Subaru blinked.

            "Mmm-hmm!  Now he won't be able to bother you aga… Ieeeeeeeyaaaaaa! RUINED!"

            Subaru jumped.  "Hokuto, are you all right?"  He grabbed his sister, and pulled her back.  She was staring at her hands in horror.

            "I…that…bastard!"  Hokuto snarled.  "HE MADE ME BREAK A NAIL!"

            Subaru fell backwards against the bed.

The next morning…

            "Congratulations!  You have just killed the Sakurazukamori.  To receive your Sakurazukamori handbook by mail, please press 1.  To receive the handbook by fax, press 2.  If you feel that you have received this call in error, please hang up and try again.  Otherwise, please hold for the next available Onmiyoujitsu operator…"

            "Hokuto-chan, who's that on the phone so early?"  Subaru asked, as he poked his head out of his bedroom.  He rubbed his eyes.  A good dinner and a night of normal sleep had done him a world of good.  He was already looking healthier.

            "Uh…just a telemarketer!"  Hokuto replied nervously.  She silently thanked whatever forces made her grab the phone first before Subaru woke up.

            On the other end of the line, tinny muzak played.  

            "Tell them you don't want any," Subaru said, absently straightening his rumpled pajamas.

            "This call may be monitored to insure quality."

            "I'll be sure to do that, Subaru."

            "Sakurazukamori hotline, this is Janice.  How may I help you?"  A nasal voice came through.  Hokuto covered the mouthpiece of the phone with her hand, and waved Subaru off.

            "Er, Subaru…why don't you go and take a shower?"

            "Oh, good idea."  He wandered off.

            "Listen, Janice-san…uh, I was wondering, is this going to be a problem?  The whole killing Sei-chan thing?"  

            "Ma'am, I can't answer that question.  I just need your name and address so we can send you the starter kit."

            Hokuto stared at the phone for a second.  She quickly gave the operator their apartment address and her name.

            "Er…I have some other questions.  Could I talk to a manager?"

            "I am the manager."

            "Oh.  Well.  Um.  Thank you?"

            "Thank you for calling Sakurazukamori hotline.  You will receive your package within four to six weeks."

            Hokuto hung up the phone gingerly.  And then, for good measure, she disconnected it from the wall.

            Of course, even moving didn't help.  Four to six weeks later, as promised, the package arrived.

            "What is it?"  Subaru asked, as Hokuto brought in the black-with-sakura-pink-petal-paper wrapped package.  It was surprisingly light, and marked with the word 'fragile.'

            "I don't know…" Hokuto looked guilty.  "Well, I do.  Sort of."

            "Hokuto…" 

            "Okay.  So after uh, that thing with Sei-chan…I sort of got this call…that I didn't tell you about.  And it lookslikeI'mthenextSakurazukamori but I'm a good person so everything will be okay, right?"

            Subaru blinked.

            "Okay!  Let's see what's in this package!"  Hokuto said quickly, untying the pink cord that bound the whole deal together.  Bits of black-with-sakura-pink-petal-paper went flying about the room in a flurry.

            Subaru stared, feeling the waves of spiritual power come off the item.  It was a tiny blooming sakura bonsai, smaller than the average houseplant, in a shallow rectangular metallic-black pot.  "This...is the source of his powers?"

            "But...it's so small."  Hokuto poked the miniature trunk experimentally with a finger.  A vine lashed out and drew a spot of blood from her hand.  "Ow!" 

            " I may be a bonsai, but I am massively powerful!"  

            "It talks."  Subaru stared at Hokuto, who stared right back at him, sucking on her finger.

            "It!?"  The tree sounded indignant.  "You will address me as Tree-san!"

            "Tree-san."  In unison.  The twins looked at each other.

            A moment later, Hokuto and Subaru laughed until their sides hurt.

Tree-san

            "Your lessons with me begin today!"

            "Ugh.  Shut up.  I'm trying to sleep."  Hokuto tossed a pillow at the clamoring tree, nearly dislodging it from its precarious position among her scattered cosmetics.

            "Today!" The tree's voice grew shriller.

            "All right, all right…what do you want?"  Hokuto sat up, rubbing her eyes.  She ran her hand through her short black hair, mussing it even more firmly.

            "A Sakurazukamori must be more serious!"

            "Sei-chan liked ice cream.  Was that serious?"

            "You will not bring up that man's name before me!  Failure is not an option!"  

            "You need to chill."  Hokuto grabbed the little bonsai pot, and shoved it in her closet.  

            "No! The darkness!  I require sunlight to live!  Sunlight!"  Hokuto shoved the closet shut.

            "Now then, little tree…we're going to have a talk."

            "I refuse to deal with you!"  The voice came muffled from the inside of her closet.

            Hokuto smile grew cold.  She walked out of the room, and came back with a potted plant.  Its leaves were withered and brown, and it was at least four months dead.

            "Is this what you want?!"  She slammed the closet door open, and shoved the houseplant before Tree-san, shaking its desiccated soil loose.  "Do you want to end up like this?!  Because this is what I do to plants.  Get it?!"

            "Y-yes mistress."  The tree's voice was decidedly more humble.  Miniscule pink sakura petals fell from its branches as it quivered.

            "If you are going to be MY tree, you will live by MY rules.  You are NOT to ever wake me up if I am asleep unless there's an emergency.  Or else you get the closet.  Got that?"

            "Hai!"  It was a squeak of assent.

            Hokuto smiled, slow and deadly.  "I think we might just get along, if you play nice."

Tree-san part 2

            "No!  Stop that!"  Hokuto shoved the man back from her after he tried to grope her breasts.  "Eew, you smell like beer!"  

            "Aww, come on baby, it's just you and me here.  You know you want…Ugh!" 

            "Oops."  Hokuto stared at the man, her hand through his chest.  She pulled out it, and a gout of blood followed.  She shook her hand out, making a face, daintily splashing drops of blood against the upholstery of the couch.  Putting your hand through someone's heart was always a messy process.  Thank god for cute black cocktail dresses, she thought.  

            "Tree-san!"  Hokuto shouted at the empty room.  "Why does this keep happening to meeee~?"

            The bonsai's spectral form appeared, a transparent fluttery winged spiritual projection dripping ghostly sakura petals.

            "/_You require more training in discipline./"_

            "Noooo!  That's not what I meant!  Not the hand-shoving thing.  I know how to do that right."  Hokuto flounced down on the sofa, the head of her most recent date lolling beside her.   "I mean, why do I always meet such crappy men?"

            There was a pause, as the tree floated at her shoulder.  "/_You go to clubs with names such as 'Harlot.'  What do you expect?/"_

            "I…hey!  What are you talking about?!  It's just a name.  It's perfectly respectable!"

            "/_Then perhaps it has to do with your father.  Have you ever thought to seek counseling_?/"

            "I am so putting you in the closet when I get home!  This is not funny, Tree-san!"

            "/_It is to me./_"  The spectral tree bounced, as if laughing.

            "So mean!"  Hokuto pouted.

            "/_You are making me soft.  Your pouting makes me distinctly uncomfortable./_"  

            "That's because you're a stupidhead."

            "/_I don't have a head./_"

            "Men!"  Hokuto scowled.

            "/_Your estimation of my gender is incorrect./_"

            "Oh?  I didn't know you were a girl."

            "/_I am actually of both genders.  Sakura reproduce by self-pollenization_./"

            "Well, then you can go screw yourself, Tree-san."  Hokuto stuck out her tongue at the apparition from her red lipsticked lips.  "You're no help at all."

            "/_Remind me to scatter my pollen on your pillow./_"

            "Remind *me* to forget to water you."

            "/_I know where you sleep_./"

            "I can send you to stay with my brother."

            "/_I will shut up now, mistress._/"

            "Good."

Nine years later

            Hokuto billowed.  And sparkled.  And feathered.  It was her best outfit to date, and it was the highest I-beam that the construction site afforded.  

            Knee-high black leather boots with silver fish-shaped buckles.  Crimson fishnet stockings.  A red-rhinestone-on-black-silk dress with a devastating décolletage, slinkily cut along the boyish curve of her hip, the asymmetrical trailing hem fluttering in the breeze.  A pair of wings finished up the ensemble, one black, one white, both dyed and patterned intricately, the white one with crimson, the black one in white.

            All this, topped off with a pair of expensive Gucci sunglasses.  It was a dream come true.

            "Ohohohoho!"  She laughed, half-covering her mouth with her hand.  "You don't stand a chance!"

            "You're a Dragon of Earth," Fuuma called up to her from his vantage below.

            "I don't caaare!  I'm the Sakurazukamori first, and you had better remember that, buster."  Hokuto let out a barrage of black ofuda written in sparkly red ink.  The ofuda became a flock of crows, flying at Fuuma with deadly speed.  He, however, dispatched them quickly.

            "Join us!"  Fuuma shouted from below.  "Please?"

            "Sorry, but I'm busy!"  She winked and faded, the illusion becoming complete.              

            Fuuma looked around him…he was suddenly inside of a mall with a very prominent sakura tree at its center.

            Fuuma shouted to the invisible assassin.  "I can break this!"  He looked around.  Everywhere, things were on sale.  He shivered.

            Hokuto's voice called out from somewhere. "No you can't!"

            "Yes I can.  Just watch me."  Fuuma tore through the illusion, which faded around them.

            "Oh.  Well, darn."  Hokuto stared at him from her I-beam.  "That's a pretty neat trick there, kid."

            "You may address me as Kamui."

            "Oh god, not another one of those…" Hokuto rolled her eyes.  It had been bad enough with Tree-san, but she couldn't just lock this tall, cute high schooler in a closet.  Or could she?  "Look, I'm a very busy magical pretty assassin.  Can it wait?"

            "No.  We need to talk.  Call me."  Fuuma tossed a business card at her.  It sliced through the air and she caught deftly between two fingers.  

            "Yeah, whatever."  Hokuto placed her hand on her hip, striking a pose as she looked at the card.  Holographic, with a prominent image of the earth breaking in half.  The background was made of gears that moved when she tilted the card back and forth.  Monou Fuuma, Kamui.  With his number in a drippy blood font.  Hokuto rolled her eyes – waaay much drama for a business card.

            "By the way…"  

            "What?"  Hokuto peered down at him over the edge of her sunglasses.

            "I can see your panties."  Fuuma leered up at her.  

            "IDIOT!"  From Hokuto's hand came a sailing flock of ofuda.  Black crows went pecking after Fuuma, who jumped lightly from one beam to the next until he was gone.

First Meeting

            Really, what's a girl to do these days?   Hokuto sighed.  She felt like she had been sweet-talked into this Dragon of Earth business, but in truth it was a matter of duty and destiny.  Oh, and the wardrobe budget didn't hurt.  Today it was business only, though, so no more than a sleek black low-cut Armani suit topped off with a long black Max Mara coat.  Very solidly business chic; she was dressed to impress.

            But honestly, to infiltrate the "enemy's base" and wreck havoc?  So passé.  She felt like she should be in a shoujo anime with a magical wand, ranting and raving about the destruction of the world.

            Well, of course the world*had* to be genuinely at stake.  Maybe she should actually go buy a sparkly plastic wand, Hokuto thought.

            "All right, Tree-san.  Let's go with the classic 'sakura-petals-and-big-pointy-rocks' scenario this time.  I gotta look the part for the kiddies."

            "/_Ah, the delicious taste of battle.  I am looking forward to it._/"

            "Wonderful," Hokuto said dryly.  "Watch my back.  Let's go."

            Five minutes later, there were almost half a dozen Dragons of Heaven dancing to her illusion, leaping from stone to stone, trying to dodge her shikigami.  Fortunately for her, a critical Seal was missing – he was getting a hair cut that day.  

            "Oh come on, you can do better than that," she coaxed, as they repelled wave after wave of her shikigami crows.  My grandmother can fight better than you." 

            "Please!  We don't have to fight!  I-I have Pocky!"  A young girl in a junior high school uniform called out, sword in hand.

            Hokuto paused, mid-cast.  "Pocky?  What flavor?"

            "Strawberry!"

            "Eee!  My favori-uh…Look kid, this is a fight!  Scary!  Scary lady!  Don't mess with me!"  Hokuto pointed, and a shikigami eagle appeared, lunging at the forward offensive of the Seals.  Unfortunately, it knocked the girl off her precarious perch on a pinnacle of rock, and she winced, ending the illusion with a quick gesture before the girl could actually be hurt.

            "/_That was weak, Hokuto._/"

            "Yeah, well you try doing it better," Hokuto snarled at the disembodied tree floating over her right shoulder, its little pearlescent wings fluttering in the light.  Around her, various Dragons of Heaven laid sprawled on the floor, slowly getting up and shaking their heads as if to dispel the last memories of the encounter.

            "/_If it were up to me, they would have all died._/"

            "Yeah, and that's why you're not in charge.  This is just a warning or a taste or whatever that tall kid called it.  Let's go, Tree-san."

            "/_Of course._/"  The ghostly bonsai flitted after her.

            "Wh-what just happened?"  Kamui blinked, watching the well-dressed Sakurazukamori walk out of the room, heels clicking against the wooden floor.

            "I don't know…but that person looked a lot like Subaru," Sorata replied.  "Except hotter.  Like Subaru with breasts.  I know I saw some cleavage!"

            "Idiot!"  Arashi snapped.

            "Ow!"

Ice Cream

            "Ewww…this stuff is so messy."  Hokuto made a face, dripping blood from her right hand.  She gave it a demure little shake, dislodging crimson drops, while she dug out some premoistened towelettes with her clean hand from her purse.

            From the rooftop, she watched as buildings began to collapse, teetering upon their foundations like bobble-head dolls as the line of the kekkai began to crumble.  Beside her, Fuuma watched the ensuing mayhem.

            "Done with the job?"  Fuuma asked, as Hokuto wiped her hand clean.  "I see you've been painting the town red."

            "Well, that was just a warning…after that, everyone ran."  Hokuto said, neatly disposing the blood-stained towelettes in a handy zip-lock bag.  "I didn't really have time to evacuate the usual way when the kekkai started to go."  

            "Evacuate?"  Fuuma raised an eyebrow.

            "You know, so more people don't get hurt."

            "We're here to destroy humanity, not…"

            "Yeah, yeah.  Well, if you don't like my methods, you can kiss my ass," Hokuto said, sticking out her tongue at Fuuma.  

            "While that tongue's out, why don't you put it to some good use?" Fuuma asked, raising his ice cream cone.  "Mint chocolate chip.  Try?"

            "Ugh, and share germs with you?  No way, mister dark Kamui.  That's like an indirect kiss, and I'm not going to be participating in the delinquency of a minor."

            "I'll have you know that I'm over the age of consent," Fuuma winked naughtily.

            "And you're still not old enough to buy beer." Hokuto rolled her eyes and turned to leave.

            "Suit yourself."  Fuuma gave the ice cream a lascivious lick.  "It's a shame there won't be more."

            "What?"  Hokuto paused.

            Fuuma licked the cone again.  "It's from Comme Ça in Shibuya.  Where the buildings are falling."

            Hokuto blinked.  "Comme Ça?  That…that's my favorite ice cream shop!"

            "There's another branch in…Ooof!"  Hokuto's purse met Fuuma's midsection with deadly accuracy.  Luckily, his ice cream managed to stay in his hand.  

            "You…creep!  I shopped at the department store it's in!" 

            "We're the Dragons of…Oof!"

            "I'm so going to kick your ass!"  Hokuto's purse went flying toward Fuuma's head with bloodthirsty intent.

            "Hokuto-san!"

Rainbow Bridge

            The destined battle.  Hokuto was glad to be dressed for the occasion.

            A mini dress made completely out of black and white buckles, off the shoulder, with a pair of elbow-length white lace gloves made to like sakura petals. 

            Thigh-length black patent leather boots with stiletto heels.  A white patent leather Fendi purse.  Her Gucci sunglasses.  Her wardrobe budget had gone up threefold after joining the Dragons of Earth.  

            If you're going to destroy the world, as Hokuto reasoned, you might as well do it in style.

            "Oh Dragon of Heaaaven…?  Where are youuuu…?"  Hokuto called out.  "I'm over here!"

            "Hokuto-chan!"  A small figure looked up at her from the deck of the bridge, cigarette in hand.

            "Su~ba~ru~!"  Hokuto hopped down from the support, landing before her brother on the empty bridge.  "What are you doing here?"

            "I'd ask the same thing," Subaru looked at her with anguish in his eyes.  "Hokuto, you…I…."  

            Hokuto noticed the cigarette in his hand.  She plucked it out of his grasp with her white-gloved hand.  "Subaru!  Why are you smoking?!  You know it's bad for you."

            "Yes, but I…"

            "I've been looking all over this city for you, little brother.  Why don't you call?  Where have you be...EEEEEEEEYAAAAA!!!!  What have you done with your hair!  AND THOSE CLOTHES!  THEY'RE SO TRAGIC!!"  

            "But I...I've just been with my friends, that's all…I didn't mean…I sort of forgot…"

            "Is that what you call the Dragons of Heaven?!  And…those shoes are so last season!  I can't believe...Subaru, did you get those pants from Walmart?"

            " I...uh...well, that is..."

            "What did I tell you about polyester?!  I thought we had this talk!"

            "Hokuto…"  Subaru looked deflated.

            "All right!  STOP THIS FIGHT!  We are SO going to the Gap RIGHT NOW!  You hear me!  NOW!!!"  Hokuto grabbed Subaru by the wrist and began to march him off the bridge.  Somewhere, the palm of Hinoto's hand met her forehead.

            "B-b-b-b-but Hokuto-chan...the end of the wor..."

            "NOT IN THOSE PANTS, YOU'RE NOT!"

End!

Notes: Thanks to Majinkarp, Aeanagwen, and Rinoa for their input and inspiration.  Special thanks to MK and Aeanagwen for helping me out with X background info (though any inconsistencies are my own fault).  Comme Ça Ice is a real place in Shibuya. Of course, I don't think Hokuto could have taken Seishirou out easily.  And Tree-san as a bonsai is expressly for purposes of humor – I know the regular tree in Ueno is a massive beast.  Also, post-Seishirou Subaru angst is glossed over for purposes of following humor ficness.  However, please imagine that he's off somewhere crying miserably because his beloved sister killed his beloved. 

Omake: Bad Date #2 

            The moon glinted red in the night sky.  Tree-san billowed in the breeze coming in from the open window, scattering the carpet with petals.

            "The moon is beautiful tonight," Muraki said, as he guided his latest victim onto the nearby couch.  Sitting down, he nearly tipped over the diminutive bonsai on the end table.

            "Hey!  You had best watch where you're going, pervert!"

            "What was that?" Muraki asked, startled by the little voice.

            "Uh, nothing!  Just…er…the cat." Hokuto replied.

            Muraki shrugged, and clasped Hokuto's left hand in his, half-pinning her to the couch.  "Tonight, under me, Hokuto, I desire that you blossom beautifully." 

            Hokuto stared.  And laughed.  

            Muraki looked almost irked, but concealed it well.

            "Uh, okay.  But I'm not that kind of girl," Hokuto replied, trying to maneuver him off of her.  Wah, he was heavy.  "I want to know you better first."

            "Oh, come now…erk?"

            "Oops."  Hokuto's hand was through his chest.  "Tree-san!  I suck at this!  I was aiming for his groin!"

            "You need more practice."

            "This suuuucks!"  

Eyecatch!  "It shuts the hell up when I sleep or else it gets the closet again!"


End file.
